| - into your light - Well we missed the appearance of Davey's new movie, no suprise there. oh well I've met them all already so no biggy.
however that doesnt mean we wont go see Daveys new movie that is only showing in one fucking city. what SHIT! I have to drive a goddamn hour just to see my honey.
speaking of driving. the drive home yesterday was just brutal I will never drive out of the country again! I did have fun though.
I'm pretty sure Brit and I will make it to the Collide show so all is well.
I realized how much I hate Mexico and how much I hate McDonalds and how much I love Jenny, Charlene, Rachel, and Briana this weekend. God its so great to have friends with a fucking car. Jesus I get my Jetta in Sept. so until then Alex is Car-less. I just got paid this week so new cds are on the way and tickets for shows are being bought. Holy hell I didn't realize how cheap tickets are.
Hm, I was daydreaming all day yesterday and seemingly out of nowhere I got this deja vu of me in 8th grade in mr waggets class daydreaming of the same fucking thing I was thinking of that moment! it tripped me out!
my school year ends in three days yes my dolls Alexs summer starts the 8th and keeps gong till august so I get back that summer I blew last year.
Toms b-day is coming up I'm really trying not to think of the downside of it. my parents think there is something wrong with me (even more then usual) because I guess I show no remorse for anything or one I cross paths with. god I havn't even cried over Tom in a long time and me being in a certain aspect "frozen" is questionable to me wether its a good thing or not. dont get me wrong i still feel anger, hapiness, sadness, remorse, and everything else I just dont show it. You can look at me and not be able to tell if im pissed sad or overjoyed. I guess I put up a vice and its refusing to be broken I dont know how to go about showing my emotions. maybe its a breaking down process, maybe im changing, maybe im pmsing. who fucking knows.
I just feel like everything I touch either dies, or abandons. and its so much easier to go on pretending its how it is. even if you know the truth, even if its right in your face, even if you think about it every minute of every day every second of the godforsaken hour. just keep pretending. the vice will make you less susceptible to the things you want to pretend arn't really happening. Like your bestfriend dying or your inability to understand how you feel, your bitterness towards someone who stole your childhood, or someone who told you they'd be there that isnt, and maybe just maybe the doubt you feel when your sitting all alone at night, or the silence in your car as your friend drives you to a show, or the silent moments in the shower. when your seriously thinking to yourself "Did I really want this? Did I really want to let this happen? If I knew this would've came would I have allowed it? but deep down you truly know the answer.
No Alex, you didn't.
~~~
Time it took the most of me
And left me with no key
To unlock the chest of remedy
Mother, the pain ain`t hurting me
But the love that I feel
When you hold me near
The hopes were high
The choirs were vast
Now my dreams are left to live through you
Red Sun rising
Drown without inhaling
Within, the dark holds hard
Red Sun rising
Curtain falling
Higher than hope my cure lies
Passiontide
An angel by my side
But no Christ to end this war
To deliver my soul from the sword
Hope has shown me a scenery
Paradise poetry
With first snow I`ll be gone
The hopes were high...
Red Sun rising...
Your death saved me.
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